Nº 12. YEAR 2000- AUGUST,  THURSDAY 17



Indio Gris




  Clearly, I have arrived to the extreme part of life, at least of mine.

It wasn't nothing worth to be paying attention, not even the books written by me. The women, that in another moment of my life, have been the only possible word, now made me feel more indifference and, in some special cases, reject. The great talks with great friends that had been, during all my life the essential breath of my existence, now in general bore me or became unbearable.

I was in good health, very healthy indeed, since I stopped smoking and drinking and also taking care of food three years ago. I felt strong and openly desirous of living, but it was clear that in spite of my desire, the atmosphere, the people that surround me, the landscape round me had lost all their  interest to me. 

I got up at 7 every morning, I had a bath, I shaved every other day, I put my clothes on, I drink a cup of tea without sugar and did the way to my job.

I made the best in my job, my clients paid me and everything is going  well for them, I did well my job but without any enthusiasm. I  read the newspaper, the convocation section and every afternoon I went from one conference to another having the themes no importance to me, but the situation itself produced some light in all my darkness.  It wasn't the case that I understood the themes or I was alterated by the present women, but that lectures were so enthusiastic as to enthusiasm myself for a few minutes.

One day, an old mistress of mine, Lola the Turbied, with whom I lived unsuspected situations for two honest persons, as booth appraised each other, advised to me to ask D. Menassa an appointment.

He is teaching me since two years, Lola told me, he took my depression out of me, I was going through worse situations than you are, and now here I am, full of life and hope.

I looked at her very surprised, instead of having sex as we used to, she was advising me to talk to a man.

She seemed to guess my thoughts and insisted on the matter.

He isn't like  any other man, he is Argentinean psychoanalyst  living in Madrid for more than 20 years. He is a very nice person, a very kind person, he writes poems.

Really, I passed over what Lola said to me, ad I persisted in my behavior, my patients were going well, I went on feeling bored with everything but I got up every morning beginning each day, as if I should be living bored for a thousand years more without anything to be worth to pay my attention, but still enjoying my life.

During one of those evenings while I was reading the conferences section, I was shaken by one I read, affliction AND MELANCHOLY, by Dr. Menassa that was going to be developed in the Psychoanalysis and Poetry School, I thought it over carefully and repeatedly and I felt my opportunity has arrived. I was going to listen to him and during his talk I should tell him about my probe, or I'd ask him for an appointment or I should get myself noticed anyway and if he had such good manners as Lola attributed to him, he would realize something and we would start the relationship.

I must confess that that day I couldn't be able to hear what my last patients said. I was involved myself fancying the meeting with the doctor although it seemed to me that Concha Estable said that she was going to listen the same conference.

In one of her paragraphs I believe that she flattered him by saying that  she really loved to hear that man and so many times she had fancied in having some kind of relationship with him.

I don't know, she said, I also would ask him for psychoanalysis in order  to be bear him.

She interrupted herself with a brief scream of pain because of the handiwork I was performing. Taking notice that the swelling I had palpated the last month was increasing I asked her for two or three examination results and I also added that perhaps it would be good for her having some psychotherapy sessions.

Without taking notice about what I was doing and without knowing him, I had already send  him one of my patients. I came to imagine that the relationship    with that man will change my present life, because I have been almost all the contrary, at one time. I used to smoke, to drink, I felt a great enthusiasm for everything, all women appeared to be beautiful and amusing and, in my good times, about my fifties, I happened to be with 3 or 4 women in one day. And whenever I felt I couldn't in a proper way or in any way at all, I managed with the help of another woman or a friend of mine.

Before getting out I told Concha Estable to wait for me because I was going to the conference too. Deeply involved  in those thoughts, and while we took the lift for getting down, I began to feel some attraction to Concha, I looked directly at her eyes and I believe, I'm not sure, she blushes when she said to me:

- What a beautiful glance. You might have been a terrible man in your youth

And, as if  Dr Menassa started curing me before knowing him, I said to her quietly while I opened the lift doors.

- Even a little less younger I didn't stop being terrible. And in that moment I felt something in my genital area and I believe although I  can't assure it, that I blushed too.

The frost wind of the first days of January put everything in its place and Concha invited me for a drive in her yellow 300 horses sport car. While she was sitting down with he skirt over her knees to make the drive easier, Concha began to look beautiful to me and during the way to the West Park, I came to confuse two or three times the motor roar with her little yells of pleasure in my arms.

She was beginning to realize something because when she got out of the car she said to me in intentionally:

- You have been very absent minded, so as to give me the chance to answer that  I was thinking about making lose with her, but I didn't say a word and all at once, without realizing it we were sitting down in a class room with seating capacity for 50 crowded people, and what captures  our attention most were pictures of human faces,  all around the class,it were watching us in a not clearly way but insistently.

It was a tight voice, powerful but soft, passionate and gentle, suggestive and atractive,a lmost like as a songster one. Dr Menassa let the words flow as if they were the crystal clear water of an unstoppable torrent.

We are trying to see what is that unbalanced strength able to push a man to attempt against his own life. What is it? And it's also leaving a chill silence, the pain able to persuade in such way a personality,a life. 

Concha Estable looked at me from time to time as if she wanted to confirm her words about Dr Menassa, and Lola, that had arrived late with Ludovica's, moved her neck meaning:

-This is the man that will pull you out of your inertia, your impotence.

It is no way to explain the problem, the doctor went on, only by thinking that the depressed person has  a huge enemy who wants to get disappeared with all his energy or at least to punish him in punishment, but this murder apprentice, the melancholic individual, in which he has being transformed, he doesn't know that he himself is the very victim.

Letting the enemy without strength, it's the individual itself who remains without strength. In this moment I heard myself whispering in a very low voice as it happens to me, the doctor is saying to us what it's just happening to me. But I don't understand who I want to kill, who has made me so much damage, who did I loved so much too, that now I want to kill. 

   Finishing his job, killing the enemy, it is he himself who is dead.

For this reason ( and the silence, the introduction of the silence was to afford the listeners, myself among them, realize that what he will be going to say was, really, the most important reason of that meeting) is absolutely necessary to get in contact on time with these patients because one day more, a  few hours more could be the difference between life or death. I don't get tired of putting the authorities on guard whenever I can but in spite of my behavior, they remain still, deaf, unwilling to listen to my claims and the fifty per cent people claims because many people more or less suffer some depression degree.

And know, in a direct way, he starts speaking about my problem:

- Dead or living dead, unwilling, indifferent, abhorrent, unable to enjoy, unable to feel any kind of joy or to take a rest, they live but nothing, what they thought life is, happens to them.

Victim and murder, come together in a lonely caress.

Concha Estable moved towards my ear to       tell me: what a nice saying...and it seemed to me that her voice was voice and caress at the same time and while I took firmly her hand I started with extreme lust alternatively Ludovica's almost naked legs and Lola la Turbia's  delightful bosoms.

When the doctor will finish his conference he would try to speak, to ask any question. In the meantime his voice was like a song that allows me and those three women that seemed beautiful to me, look each other in a maddening rhythm and at the same time, we realize that we're beginning a new story and that ins some way, it is due to Dr. Menassa.

Suddenly another frenzied saying: - sex is the only thing that can be the opposite of death. And  Ludovica's legs move rhythmically and Lola's tits stands 2 cm up and Concha Estable being absolutely corrupted by the words pressed her right knee against mine and placed with delicacy and tenderness one of her hands between my legs. Ludovica saw, while looking up to us, Concha's movement and she bowed her head down, may be shamefully, may be full of desire.

I couldn't get rid of my astonishment, in a few hours my life was being transformed. As it happened some years ago with a few words I didn't pronounce and with some movements of eyes I have got three women and myself on heat. The result I have obtained although the conference wasn't finished, it was much more than I could expect with optimism.


    In 1985 I already said :Destiny is playing a mean trick on me. Writing, art, love, something about thoughts,  were getting  diluted in politics.  


Full of hope no  man can realize  any job.

Poetry, quartered jewel so everybody can be touched by your miracle. 


 JUNE, 25ths, 1985, MADRID

I am going to Buenos Aires, but I don't know if I could  some other thing , instead of going.

If I want that  the trip  to Buenos Aires will become a real business I have to conceive a plan. First of all, I have to abandon all the  ghosts, even mine. I have to be able to speak in a clear and plain way.

The encounter with my mother in my native country, after almost ten years, must be something marvelous. 


In Madrid people are afraid ( that is to say, whishes)   that I am going to remain in Argentina. I believe I should prefer that it won't be so much general  whish  for my return to my land forever.

    The solitude, my love, shouted the wretch, is good when there is no way left. 


 JULY, 5th 1985, MADRID

Dear sister Norma: 

In a few days more I'll be in Baires.  Today I am a little messy. My products are exceeding me. My poor boy needs play mates. 

What a laugh and what a scare!!! Traveling from July 26th to September the 7th.

Buenos Aires, you are already near, I've got you, requirements are done, in a short time, I'll be there. I am stubborn in believing that everything will change.  


Ominous was the love you had for me. Darling, I remember, you were like a mad drum beaten without pity, invoking dead.

My love was all what I could with my singing. Today I practice for you, acoustic lover serpent, guttural passionate voice, an unusual voice. 

I beat, I beat with a hammer,
I beat, with intention of beating
I compressed her head, her heart
her illusions among words.  


I hope to be able to produce the impossible. I hope to be able to come out of myself. 



In the book The Interpretation of Dreams, there is a productive structure of knowledge that produces the Inconscientious Theory.

This Theory doesn't exits in all the former Freudian  working up, neither in the psychology elaboration nor in the psychiatry of that time.

The Inconsciiientious doesn't judge or calculate.

The Inconcientious speaks, a anticipates himself improving as requirement of being:

It mustn't be interrupted, it must be let to speak. It must be let the movements of association called free association, that he himself over determine. 

Indio Gris